Bye, Roxy.

Today my dog died. This was a puppy I researched, spent my entire high school career studying and obsessing over until I finally convinced my parents to buy one, a Papillon. She was the craziest dog ever and I LOVED her! We named her Roxy and she was neurotic, she barked all the time at everything, she would lay on the floor and go into spastic jolts under your feet or laying next to you for attention, she had the worst breath ever, she made you laugh everyday, she had a temper and she would growl at me every time I told her I loved her. She followed my mom and I everywhere, begged at the table, slept with me every night until I moved out of the house for college. She loved snuggling, thrived off of waking you up in the morning even when I would come back to visit, she was so perky and would run circles around the house. She was the most annoying dog, but she held such a GIANT place in my heart. And today she had to be put down. She went into kidney failure after 8 happy little years and I couldn't even say bye to her because I was miles away. I wish I could have snuggled her, kissed her and told her how much I loved her, even if she didn't have the energy to growl in response.

Natural Birth

So Hubby and I have been looking into our birthing options. I am the kind of person who likes to have my life neatly laid out in a time line, so even though I am not due until the beginning of April, the time line begins. I know for sure I want to have a natural birth and I know I would really like to have a water birth. But now I am thinking about just having a midwife and going totally granola for baby extraction. Like a midwife in my home with a rented birthing pool, my hubby, my mom, some Enya distraction and *bam* baby. That was the happy easy version. The real life version will most likely include a ton of profanity. Only problemo, we are moving in the next couple of months and I don't have a single idea as to where our final nesting ground will be. That doesn't fit in with my neat life time line. I am not enjoying this limbo state of location, but it is what it is. So where ever I end up, I will find the perfect midwife and start down the road that will eventually lead to this:

Now this is what I'm talking about. (Insert midwife, hubby, and mom)

Baby Beat.

It's my BABY!! 8 weeks exactly today and this mama and papa could not be more excited! We got to see and hear the heartbeat...was incredible. I seriously teared up because that was my baby... HEALTHY and beating beautifully. It even had it's little leg stretched out, totally chillin' in my uterus. I couldn't have been any happier in that moment. And it measured exactly, so April 4th bring me babies! (Baby)

Showing some leg. :) 

This is a good frontal image...and since it is the hubbies child too, I had to include his zombie love. This baby's first word will be "Bwaaaiiiiinsss". He will be so proud!

I CAN'T STOP LOOKING!!!

Kit Cat Jealous Much?

My cat is suuuuper envying my couch right now. It gets all the attention and smothering since Jellyfish took up residence in the uterus. I mean, I shuffle out of bed, somehow find my way to the couch, *plop* and hold my bladder until it's going to explode, only then do I shuffle to the bathroom, do my thang and head right back for the couch. Poor hubby has been left fending for himself as far as food and cleaning goes. I am so sickies that it's a great day if I shower! I do not know how these prego ladies with mad sickness still work jobs, clean their house, care for other kids and not vomit all over life. So Yumi ( el gato) has been feeling left out and tries to cuddle me like normal, but she lays her chunky behind right on my stomach. So she usually gets the boot instantly.

So we are moving at the end of this month. I'm so excited! Wherever we move, there had better be a Thai restaurant serving Massaman curry. I WANT CURRY SO BAD!!!

Behold, my Jellyfish.

6weeks and cooking up just right.

Saltines and Ale

Since I am fairly confident no one reads my blog, I feel safe posting this. We are expecting!!! Again. And this time Doctors are taking me seriously, listening to my concerns and getting me in for an early ultrasound. I'll be 6 weeks in 2 days, and in 2 days...ultrasound! I'll get to hear my little jellyfish's heartbeat! Though I am excited beyond expression and so grateful, I can't help but to think...were I still prego with my last jellyfish, we would have been finding out the sex and not just if the ticker worked. I know I haven't 100% moved on from my miscarriage, but I feel like I started this pregnancy out right since I found out after being only 3 weeks prego. I've been on prenatals since the miscarriage, I quit drinking all caffeine and got into the Doctor right away. And so far everything is going swimmingly. But this time around...Hello Sickness. And not just morning, but afternoon and especially night. I am on the constant verge of up-chucking. But honestly I would have it no other way. It means the jellyfish is growing and healthy. So you will not hear complaining from this lady because I'd rather be sick than lose my jellyfish again. But instead of eating for two, I am praying to the porcelain toilet for two.

There have been a few (mostly worried parents) telling me not to get my hopes up too high, because "it could happen again..." I know. But do I want to spend every waking hour petrified of losing my baby all over again, not really, no. So hubby and I decided to take it one day at a time. And just enjoy the days instead of worry for the future. But I'm confidant this pregnancy will be just fine. This jellyfish is strong.

Crazy at Church.

I think I have become the crazy lady at church who cries at all the wrong moments. Someone is giving a talk and everyone starts crying cause they are feeling the spirit while I sit there stoned face. Then like 20 ladies announce they are pregnant or their daughter is, ect. and I am suddenly extremely interested in my toes while tears start sliding down my cheeks. I've been reading about miscarriages and why they are so difficult to deal with. Besides the obvious reason. Because this lady is still having such a hard time with it. I can't help but get teary eyed when I see a big-bellied woman walk past me glowing with happiness. Not that I want to trip her and scoff as she looks up at me confused and distracted from her happiness, but please quit rubbing your healthy living baby swimming laps in your big tummy, into my tear-stained face. *drama queen* I know. So anyway I read that all women develop some form of sadness after giving birth to their baby, it is a natural part of the hormonal change. But when a woman miscarries or has a still birth, their bodies go through the hormonal changes and the actual birthing process. But while other women have their beautiful babies to snuggle when they feel sad, those who miscarry or have still born are left with the sadness that accompanies pregnancy, but they are faced with the truth that their baby is gone, dead and there is nothing to take away the pain, so it grows. At least that is what I gathered from everything I read. And it seems true in my case. It's been a month since my miscarriage and some people wonder why it still affects me so. Like they think I should be over it by now. I'm over the hardest part, admitting I lost it. I don't take pregnancy tests anymore to see if it was all in my head. Maybe its still there...but the single little pink line tells me I am just fooling myself. I know now I lost my baby. And no matter what I do, I will not get it back. There will be others, I know that, but it doesn't take away the pain of losing this one.

Nerd Alert; Meet Hatch

My AWESOME night elf rogue, Hatch. Level 80. Gear score 5266. *nerd translation*: powerful. She's my main and lately I have been running her through Icecrown Citadel, but haven't made it to the Lich King just yet. Anyway, tonight during the run I get my off-hand weapon in a drop. And I was SO SO sosososo excited that it is identical to my main hand weapon! I am now symmetrical and matchy matchy! This post may be my nerdy weakness but I remain totally girly and cool by caring if my armor and weapons match. WHICH THEY DO, SUCKAS!!! I even went to the barber and updated her hairdo so it matches her wicked cool ensemble.

Ah, thank you. *bows slightly*

Isn't she awesome? (imagine a breathy voice)

Since it's Father's Day, I would just like to say I have the best Dad ever. No seriously. EVER. And the best husband too. So tonight in tribute to Father's Day, I made wienerschnitzels. Not to toot my own horn but those snitzels were good. Yummy good. Husband was pleased with me. And when we first started dating I couldn't cook spaghettios. So I've done some serious improving over the last *gasp* 5 MONTHS...almost.

Here's one more look of my matchy matchy rogue, Hatch, cause I know you can't get enough of her! Sometimes I turn on WOW just to admire how bloody sweet she is. *sigh* Gorgeous, GORGEOUS axes.

Empty.

Sometimes I convince myself I might be pregnant again. I want to be. Which, I know sounds so strange because all pregnant women are counting down the days until they are un-pregnant. But becoming un-pregnant too soon leaves me wanting it again so badly. It seems odd, we weren't even trying and I didn't want it, but as soon as it happened, all I could think about was how much I wanted that baby. And now I don't have one.

And every other woman I know is pregnant or just recently had a baby. It seems so unfair that I had to lose mine. It hurts when they complain about their big bellies or that their baby is kicking their ribs, or they have morning sickness, because all I can think about is how they are so lucky to still have their babies, when I lost mine way too soon. I know I will have my chance at being pregnant again and delivering a healthy baby, but right now...it just aches.

Too close, too close.

Time to get personal. Maybe too personal. And I might delete this post later, who knows. But I want to be thin again. SO so badly. I hate the way my body has changed in just the last 4 -5 months. I gained a lot of weight and got pregnant, lost the pregnancy and am left over with this weird misshapen body. Like I am supposed to be pregnant still but I am not, so why do I still look like this? And I want to change it. I want to go back to the way I was last summer or even early winter. But to do that I would need to diet. And anyone who really knows me, knows dieting is not an option. But my body has become so abnormal that I feel like I have no other option.