Crazy at Church.

I think I have become the crazy lady at church who cries at all the wrong moments. Someone is giving a talk and everyone starts crying cause they are feeling the spirit while I sit there stoned face. Then like 20 ladies announce they are pregnant or their daughter is, ect. and I am suddenly extremely interested in my toes while tears start sliding down my cheeks. I've been reading about miscarriages and why they are so difficult to deal with. Besides the obvious reason. Because this lady is still having such a hard time with it. I can't help but get teary eyed when I see a big-bellied woman walk past me glowing with happiness. Not that I want to trip her and scoff as she looks up at me confused and distracted from her happiness, but please quit rubbing your healthy living baby swimming laps in your big tummy, into my tear-stained face. *drama queen* I know. So anyway I read that all women develop some form of sadness after giving birth to their baby, it is a natural part of the hormonal change. But when a woman miscarries or has a still birth, their bodies go through the hormonal changes and the actual birthing process. But while other women have their beautiful babies to snuggle when they feel sad, those who miscarry or have still born are left with the sadness that accompanies pregnancy, but they are faced with the truth that their baby is gone, dead and there is nothing to take away the pain, so it grows. At least that is what I gathered from everything I read. And it seems true in my case. It's been a month since my miscarriage and some people wonder why it still affects me so. Like they think I should be over it by now. I'm over the hardest part, admitting I lost it. I don't take pregnancy tests anymore to see if it was all in my head. Maybe its still there...but the single little pink line tells me I am just fooling myself. I know now I lost my baby. And no matter what I do, I will not get it back. There will be others, I know that, but it doesn't take away the pain of losing this one.

Nerd Alert; Meet Hatch

My AWESOME night elf rogue, Hatch. Level 80. Gear score 5266. *nerd translation*: powerful. She's my main and lately I have been running her through Icecrown Citadel, but haven't made it to the Lich King just yet. Anyway, tonight during the run I get my off-hand weapon in a drop. And I was SO SO sosososo excited that it is identical to my main hand weapon! I am now symmetrical and matchy matchy! This post may be my nerdy weakness but I remain totally girly and cool by caring if my armor and weapons match. WHICH THEY DO, SUCKAS!!! I even went to the barber and updated her hairdo so it matches her wicked cool ensemble.

Ah, thank you. *bows slightly*

Isn't she awesome? (imagine a breathy voice)

Since it's Father's Day, I would just like to say I have the best Dad ever. No seriously. EVER. And the best husband too. So tonight in tribute to Father's Day, I made wienerschnitzels. Not to toot my own horn but those snitzels were good. Yummy good. Husband was pleased with me. And when we first started dating I couldn't cook spaghettios. So I've done some serious improving over the last *gasp* 5 MONTHS...almost.

Here's one more look of my matchy matchy rogue, Hatch, cause I know you can't get enough of her! Sometimes I turn on WOW just to admire how bloody sweet she is. *sigh* Gorgeous, GORGEOUS axes.

Empty.

Sometimes I convince myself I might be pregnant again. I want to be. Which, I know sounds so strange because all pregnant women are counting down the days until they are un-pregnant. But becoming un-pregnant too soon leaves me wanting it again so badly. It seems odd, we weren't even trying and I didn't want it, but as soon as it happened, all I could think about was how much I wanted that baby. And now I don't have one.

And every other woman I know is pregnant or just recently had a baby. It seems so unfair that I had to lose mine. It hurts when they complain about their big bellies or that their baby is kicking their ribs, or they have morning sickness, because all I can think about is how they are so lucky to still have their babies, when I lost mine way too soon. I know I will have my chance at being pregnant again and delivering a healthy baby, but right now...it just aches.

Too close, too close.

Time to get personal. Maybe too personal. And I might delete this post later, who knows. But I want to be thin again. SO so badly. I hate the way my body has changed in just the last 4 -5 months. I gained a lot of weight and got pregnant, lost the pregnancy and am left over with this weird misshapen body. Like I am supposed to be pregnant still but I am not, so why do I still look like this? And I want to change it. I want to go back to the way I was last summer or even early winter. But to do that I would need to diet. And anyone who really knows me, knows dieting is not an option. But my body has become so abnormal that I feel like I have no other option.

Lost Jellyfish and Handcuffs.

Legit. I had a miscarriage the day before we left for our cruise. So the jellyfish is no longer. I am heartbroken, I only knew about it for a little over a week, but mama got super attached to her jellyfish. It was so hard to watch it happening, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. So I just bawled my eyes out every time I flushed parts of Jellyfish down the toilet. It seemed so unceremonious to flush what was once a baby growing inside of me. And maybe that is why I cried so hard. But I'm slowly getting better each day and I know we will have another jellyfish soon, one that will go full term and one I can actually hold in my arms. And that will be a beautiful day. But until then I just keep working on moving on.

On a much happier note; the cruise was amazing, the beaches were incredible and I am sporting a tan. Yes, I am not, in fact, a vampire, despite what has been said. Husband and I had an amazing time cruising the Caribbean, eating tons of delicious food, gaining weight and basking in the sunlight.

There was however, one slight wardrobe mishap.

The Hat.

 I. Love. My. Husband.

This hat, and the fact he bought it, is one of the million reasons he makes me heart melt.

      Kissing my frog Prince.                 Is this not cute or what?

                   A honeymoon is not complete without handcuffs.

We also saw the ancient Mayan ruins of Tulum, but ditched our tour guide as he was horribly long winded and played in the ocean, shorts and all. I could not believe the number of Iguanas living there. Although, the scenery is stunning.... so if the rent is free, why not? I hope we get to go back again someday, maybe even see the ruins of Chichen Itza again. But next time I am bringing a bathing suit. That weather is scorching. Too bad Ghent forgot his old man straw hat though, he made it look so damn good. We really would have stuck out as tourists with the sunburns, cruise bus tour stickers and old man straw hat. Anyway, just bragging. We had an AWESOME time! And the food...I mentioned that already. No need to go into it more. Yum.

However, el gato, Yumi was not happy we left her for 8 days. She was in good hands though. Yet she was still MAD MAD MAD and she let us hear about it for 48 hours straight.

 Meowza.

I just tinkled in my pants a little.

Birth Control Failure.

Here is the latest news. I think the image speaks for itself. But if that is not enough evidence, then take the Doc's news: Positive. So it's official. We are having a baby! Was this an accident? You bet it was! Let me break this down. Handsome man and I got married 4 months ago. We leave for our honeymoon in 2 days to go cruise the Caribbean. We just got news that we are 8 weeks prego and had no idea. But props to the pregnancy because here, we thought I was just getting lazy and sleeping all the time. Now I have a reason as to why the laziness kicked in. But that means we were married for a grand total of 2 months before the baby fertilization process occurred. As my sis-in-law said earlier today: Birth control Fail and God prevails. So there it is. We are going to be proud parents in about 7 months. Holy cow.

So I peed on my little stick, ran outside of the bathroom and hid in the living room for exactly 3 minutes, then Ghent and I snuck back into the bathroom to witness the results. Ash: "Oh, that's, um...." Ghent: "YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!!" <-- Yes, said with 4 exclamation points. Nervous? You bet we are. But more than anything we are so excited and feeling so blessed. So bring on the big belly and stretchy pants! We can't wait!

Here is what my little jellyfish looks like now:

Isn't it cute? *Gush*

Squishy and Unruly Tenants

Before I forget. Here are my Day 1 pictures for P90X. They like you to take pictures on day 1, day 30, day 60 and day 90 so you can compare your results. We are on week 2 right now and husband and I are already showing some great results. But I'm not showing pictures until day 30! Oooh baby! I am super excited! And also super bummed I let myself get this squishy in the first place. *sob sob*

I'm going to take a second to gloat. Ghent and I booked a 7 day cruise on the Carnival! We are going to the Cayman Islands, then Montego Bay, Jamaica and last Cozumel, Mexico! And here is where I get rude and rub it in even more...we booked a suite with VIP passes. So we are the first ones on the boat, the first ones off, no lines for food and we get in to shows before everyone else, not to mention a much bigger room and balcony. *Gush* that felt so good to just brag without reservation. We leave on May 23rd. Lady is on cloud 9 and floating through life right now.

Also, meet the tenants who never pay rent:

I think they are too adorable to give the boot though. I found them in a box on my porch and instantly fell in love and just had to adopt them and find them all homes. Mama cat had other plans though as she despises me! I mean I am shocked she let me take this picture without shredding my eyes open. But she's just too pretty to be a stray! And then sadness occurred. Mama cat moved her precious little ones someplace else. I guess she thought I was going to hurt them. I tried to help the 2 she left behind, but one would not suck from a bottle. I could not let the little thing starve, so I hunted down the mama cat in my apartment complex and personally delivered her remaining 2 kittens to her on a furry blanket. Oh she was mad at me. I want to help them, I called the shelter, but they said they would just put them all down since the mama cat was not a people person, and they had too many kittens to devote enough time to bottle feeding after they killed the mom. So they slaughtered my shelter plan. What happened to the animal shelters that were free of euthanization? I mean, is Texas really just a chubby animal murdering state with no regard for the creatures on this earth? There are a million strays in my neighborhood too. People should not be allowed to adopt a pet if they are too mindless or poor to get the thing neutered or spayed. It just makes me sick.

Well some more unfortunate news: I broke a nail today, it was enough to frustrate me that I felt the need to write about it.

P90X

Today the mail man brought me a very exciting package. P90X is now in my possession and scheduled to begin on Monday. I am so excited! I always thought people who claimed marriage makes them gain weight were making up excuses. And they are. But I will admit since I have been married I have gained weight. But it is not from being married, it's just from eating unhealthy, not exercising and sitting on me bum. But the bum sitting and fast food munching ends today! I am eating exactly what the nutrition manual says, I am working out exactly how the exercise DVDs say and I am going to see REAL results. Hopefully see some amazing results in 30 days cause that is when we leave for our cruise and I would hate to be looking as soft and squishy as I am now. Ghent is doing P90X too, so at least we can help motivate each other when it becomes impossibly difficult. So our P90X package came today, we went and bought a chin-up bar, super nice yoga mats, power stands, and resistance bands. We are all set to go. And we are feeling really enthusiastic about it too. Day 1 photos will be posted Monday so I can track my results!

We also went tanning today. We went for 10 minutes on the regular beds and now look like lobsters...10 MINUTES! How did that happen? I fried my boobies. I think I will be running around braless for the next couple days. Youch.

Super tan and super toned here I come.

Nursery Birth Control.

Husband and I have been having baby cravings. I know we've only been married for a month and a half, but those adorable little people are everywhere and it's making us want one too. Waiting for a year was looking near impossibly hard to do. Until today. At church they asked us to watch the kiddos in Nursery. That would be ages 18 months to 3 years, we thought, no problemo. Problemo. Lady doesn't know a thing about little kiddos. And crying baby was too much for this lady. Hubby on the other hand was all pro with the kiddos. He was down on his rump doing puzzles with them and keeping them all entertained. I was in the corner rocking back and forth biting my nails. Not really. But I just stayed on snack duty. And cleaned up smooshed cheerio snacks which were loving the carpet. I need some lessons on motherhood, or I need to start babysitting friend's kids (if I can get someone to entrust me with their little gems) Hehe. I'm pretty much one of those over-hollywoodized ladies who hold the baby far far away from them looking like they were about to jump from a plane, while cute baby pukes with awesome projection dousing scared women in vomit. That is me exactly. Not saying I got puked on, just trying to portray the terrible awkwardness I have around children, that when watched on a movie makes the viewers squirm in their seats with awkward discomfort.

Ta daa.

Birth Control- 1
Babies- 0

However, I am gaining weight faster than being on weight gain via 6000 + calories a day.

Outcome: One crabby, squishy lady gaining weight on salad and just getting pissed off about it. But if I go off the pill, I would get planetaryly fat. So I deal with the new squish and cry to husband.

Bronze Drake.

I've been saving my gold for a while to purchase the training to ride the epic flying mounts. I finally bought it yesterday! Check out my new bronze drake mount! (this is not my actual character, just a picture of the bronze drake) Isn't it gorgeous? I just want to scratch under his chin and cuddle with him. Instead my character Hatch gets to fly him all over the world. Not fair.Lately we have taken to flying storm peaks in search of the Time Lost Drake. Husband is determined to own it's reins. Problem is, it's nearly impossible to find. Nor is it even spawned very frequently. Hence the name; Time Lost. You waste a lot of time looking for it's ugly hide. 

As for election results, H.D. Bailey did not win. It was a huge disappointment to us all. Hopefully he can find something else to do now. Actually, I hope we all do. 

The last 2 days have been amazingly lazy though. Ghent and I have finally been able to just hang out and spend time together. But I think we are starting to get bored now. There are only so many video games, books and board games we can play. Not to mention there is NOTHING to do in this part of Texas. The shopping mall is depressingly pathetic. It makes me not even want to blow money. Sad for me, happy for husband. So I have taken up internet shopping. My new sea foam shoes came in the mail today along with a pair of cream lace tights. Wicked cute! The secret to my success in securing a stylish pair of shoes is asking hubby for an expensive pair. When he says "Erm, no way." Then I go in for the kill and ask for the pair I originally wanted. Which happen to be significantly cheaper. He can't refuse a great price. Voila! A happy compromise.