“Go in peace my daughter. And remember that, in a world of ordinary mortals, you are a Wonder Woman.” Queen Hippolyte

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"When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." -Skin Horse

Monday, July 5, 2010

Crazy at Church.

I think I have become the crazy lady at church who cries at all the wrong moments. Someone is giving a talk and everyone starts crying cause they are feeling the spirit while I sit there stoned face. Then like 20 ladies announce they are pregnant or their daughter is, ect. and I am suddenly extremely interested in my toes while tears start sliding down my cheeks. I've been reading about miscarriages and why they are so difficult to deal with. Besides the obvious reason. Because this lady is still having such a hard time with it. I can't help but get teary eyed when I see a big-bellied woman walk past me glowing with happiness. Not that I want to trip her and scoff as she looks up at me confused and distracted from her happiness, but please quit rubbing your healthy living baby swimming laps in your big tummy, into my tear-stained face. *drama queen* I know. So anyway I read that all women develop some form of sadness after giving birth to their baby, it is a natural part of the hormonal change. But when a woman miscarries or has a still birth, their bodies go through the hormonal changes and the actual birthing process. But while other women have their beautiful babies to snuggle when they feel sad, those who miscarry or have still born are left with the sadness that accompanies pregnancy, but they are faced with the truth that their baby is gone, dead and there is nothing to take away the pain, so it grows. At least that is what I gathered from everything I read. And it seems true in my case. It's been a month since my miscarriage and some people wonder why it still affects me so. Like they think I should be over it by now. I'm over the hardest part, admitting I lost it. I don't take pregnancy tests anymore to see if it was all in my head. Maybe its still there...but the single little pink line tells me I am just fooling myself. I know now I lost my baby. And no matter what I do, I will not get it back. There will be others, I know that, but it doesn't take away the pain of losing this one.