Bluffin with my muffin.

I am the happiest person right now. But I am struggling again, more than I have in a while. I'm not too concerned, but I just want it to go away. Tonight while talking to a friend, I was asked how I am doing. I told her I am doing great, asked her how she was doing. She said good, but it's always there. It is always there. I am so good at pretending I never struggled, so good at bluffing myself into thinking it was never a part of me. But lately, it's getting too hard to pretend. For the past few days I have driven around town trying to figure out what to eat, I would pull in some place, panic and leave, then try another restaurant. Same thing. A few days ago, I went to buy a cake for the wedding. They asked me to try some samples, "NO! Thank you very much." Well if you don't have time we can just send some home with you. "NO! I DON'T EAT CAKE, IT'S FOR THE GUESTS!!!" Umm...ok. Crazy Lady. I love cake!! Why in the world did I panic and tell them I don't eat cake? So since I have been struggling (translates into forgetting to eat) these past few days, I decided to make/force myself to go to Red Lobster. Alone. Cause right now, there is no way I am eating with people. Shrimp linguine please! Oh wait, just box it for me, thanks! Apple crumb ala mode please! Leave the extra box. Drive home panicking that I ate anything at all. Curse myself for a whole hour. *sob* *scream* *curse* <--ok exaggerating there. But I'm feeling pretty traumatized right now. Lame-O I know. Hey, don't hate the crazies! I will not relapse, I will not relapse, I will not relapse. Does anyone believe me? I just want to relapse for a little while, just long enough to feel good about myself before I get married, then I can go back to eating like a piggy. Pretttty sure everyone I know, parents, friends, my fiance, former therapist and dietitian would kill me. I don't want to hurt everyone again. It would only be for a couple more weeks though. This is me, sitting on the fence.